Sunrise Sunflower

I have a habit of attaching feelings and concepts to images.

For instance, if a child born after a loss is called a rainbow, and a child born before any loss is a sunshine, then a child born after a time of infertility could be a sunrise. Right? So I started thinking of sunflowers as a symbol of hope.

So now whenever I see sunflowers, I think of hoping for a baby.
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I’m writing this because I need an outlet for my thoughts. Should anyone actually be reading this, I guess I should give you a little backstory.

Lamar (my husband) and I have been trying to conceive since February 2017-ish. So that puts us at 20 months of unsuccessful attempts. We’ve seen the doctors and fertility specialists. We’ve taken the tests. And the conclusion that the doctors came to is that we are affected by “unexplained infertility.” Which, in my opinion, is THE most ridiculous diagnosis to give. Anyway, unexplained infertility is basically the label indicating there isn’t something else obviously causing us not to be able to conceive. So yeah, all other tests they ran came out normal on the “should they be able to put a bun in the oven” front.  The fertility docs gave us conception options like giving me meds to increase my egg production, IntraUterine Insemination (IUI), or In Vitro Fertilization (IVF).

Then we had to do the genetics screening and both of us are carriers for Tay-Sachs. Google it if you have questions. So because of this, the fertility doc recommended taking all options off the table except IVF. That way they could perform genetics testing on the embryos before putting them back in my uterus.
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So that’s where we are. Thinking of how to fund potential rounds IVF and praying and praying and praying.
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My period started today. And with that comes all kinds of feelings.
-Disappointment
-Frustration
-Anger
-Hopelessness
-Hopefulness

I try my best not to let the negative feelings swallow me, but feeling like my body hates me and the desire to have a baby is REAL.

I find myself employing ALL of the mental health tools that I’ve learned from dealing with anxiety/depression to avoid downward spirals.  Sometimes I’m successful and only feel bummed for a little while. Sometimes I’m down for days. Sometimes I scream on my drive home from work. Sometimes I’m just a bag of tears. Most times, I just muddle through the swamp of feelings by myself and try to function as best as I can.

Also, I work in a photography studio and so I’m regularly surrounded by pregnant people and babies.

Then I go to church and there’s more pregnant people and babies.

I feel like Im haunted by pregnant people and babies.

At work people are always commenting on how well i handle babies, how good i am with them, how amazing it is that I can get a baby to calm down pretty quickly. All that. It gets difficult. Especially when well-meaning people say, “Do you have any kids? (not yet) You should have some babies. You’d be a great mom.” Insert awkward smile.

Dear people of the world, Please stop. Thanks. Management.
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So yeah, this is where I am. This is the quiet struggle or quiet journey that my husband and I are on.  We want to be parents. We want to conceive a healthy child. We are just waiting for our Sunrise Sunflower 🌻❤️