Fear and Faith

It’s 5:30 am and about half and hour ago I woke out of my sleep to the smell of blood. 

Instead of getting up to check the situation, I rolled over, snuggled with my dog, and did some deep breathing.  But i couldn’t get back to sleep. 

I started rolling thoughts around in my head: ...my body is kinda a jerk for starting this period early......it’s ok, there’s nothing wrong with my body......we should really look into IVF grants......why is this OUR experience......two people in my life have now announced their surprise unplanned pregnancies......they both already have babies under 1......why can we just get pregnant......does God really hear my prayers......in the grand scheme of things do my desires really matter to God...

On and on and on I went until I definitely wasn’t getting back to bed. So I got up.

Only there was no blood.

So here I am sitting in the bathroom reading Bible verses for comfort and thinking back over the host of thoughts that were plaguing me while I though my period had begun. I’m telling myself that my body is not broken and we really SHOULD look into those IVF grants... I’m considering who in my circle is walking this infertility walk and I only know one other couple.  I’m thinking about how my mom always tells me that God is waiting to see how you will react to things. Are you going to go off the faithless deep end or are you going to say ok, You’ve got this. I think i’m somewhere in between. I’m trying to find what it means to have faith in God and manage anxiety.  Sometimes I feel that my anxiety nullifies my faith. But that is unfair and is steeped in shame. So i continue trying to learn what being faithful means for me.  

Anyway, Ive identified the feelings I get when i think about the pregnancies that seem to be suddenly popping up all round me. It’s jealousy and bitterness. Jealousy because (screams) They Already Have A Baby... and bitterness because (sighs) They already have a baby... 

As i’ve processed back over the feelings that were rolling around my head earlier, I’m thinking about if God really hears my prayers and if my desires matter.  I think I can say He does and they do.

This is why and this is what I remind myself of.

When I was in college I experienced my first true daily life altering depression.  I really dont remember how long it lasted and also cant remember a lot of my regular life from those months because it was as if my mind was like ....NAH... We dont need any of this making memories stuff... we just need to make sure we get through basic survival and school. I remember how everything lost its color and beauty. I remember the darkness and that darkness still sits around the edges of my consciousness. Anyway, I had a friend who told me that whenever I feel lost or need reassurance that God sees me and He cares for me I should go outside and lift up my hand.  He said I will ALWAYS feel a touch a breeze a... something... on my hand because God ALWAYS sees me.  Even when i feel as small as I actually am. That has never failed.

Another time, I remember crying on the floor of my dorm room. I don’t know why I was crying but I remember the depth of the sadness in those tears. i remember feeling so alone. I remember feeling that that moment was it, there was no sadder i could be and what made it worse, there was no reason. Nothing happened to make me sad. I just was. And that is a sadness that I still dont know how to navigate. I remember laying there crying and feeling smaller and smaller like no one could possibly care about silly caleisha and her baseless sadness.  And I felt arms around me. Hugging me. I fell asleep just like that. 

I had a dream that i was standing on the edge of a cliff and everything in me said jump. So i did. Except I landed midair. I felt a heart line under my left hand and a ragged hole under my right. I can still see it in my mind now more than 10 years later.

This is what I do when the fear tries to get bigger than my faith.

I remind it that yes, i am small. BUT the God of Everything sees me and knows me and holds me in His hand.

So it’s 6 am now and I’ve cried all over my keyboard. There’s still no period, but it’s got a couple days. I know if it does show up, I’ll feel all of these feelings again because it hurts. It hurts to want something and pray SOOOO much for that thing only to see it literally wash down the drain every month.  But I will be ok.  God has brought me through some rough things and I know He will continue to carry me.🌻 

This Particular Anxiety

So according to my period tracker app (WomanLog), my period should come on the day after tomorrow.  It’s around this time that I am aware of its pending arrival but also still hopeful that THIS will be the month that it doesn’t come.

And I try my hardest not to think about it.

I find myself getting very... superstitious about the days before P-day. Like by thinking of it, I summon it.

I also find myself feeling anxious. This particular anxiety is hoping that we got the timing of it all right, but also knowing that even if P-day is a couple days late, it could still be coming. It’s feeling all the aches in my body and shifts in my mood and wondering if they are pregnancy related but at the same time not wanting to think they are because if they aren’t I will have felt a spark of hope for no reason only to see it wash down the drain when i shower.

It’s the anxiety of P-day being a couple days late, going to the store, buying a pregnancy test, coming home, feeling hopeful, taking the test, getting another negative, feeling upset at the NERVE of my uterus to be late with its bleed-out, only to wake up to said bleed-out the very next morning.

It’s a lot of deep breathing and assuring myself that everything is - indeed - in God’s control and His timing is better than my timing.

It’s a whole lot of “things I tell myself” to soothe the sore spots of my heart.

It’s wanting to feel hopeful because hope feels good.

It’s wanting to feel hopeful but being scared.

Family Photos

Yesterday, Lamar and I took christmas family pictures. Normally, I’m the one who gets excited to plan and organize our pictures since I’m a photographer and all. This year- not so much.

I felt/feel that since we haven’t been able to get pregnant that there is a missing part of our family. I mean, I always say that Lamar and I both look pretty much the same as we did when we got married 5 years ago... the exception being my hair mainly... But every time I thought about taking pictures at the studio or taking a “proper family picture” I felt like it would be wasted because it was just us.

Just us 🌻

Just us like ‘oh that’s just Lamar and Caleisha and the dogs’

I said that to Lamar a couple weeks ago and he said,”It’s not just us. It’s our family. We are a family.”

And I could’ve burst out crying right there.

Being a family of 2 (+ 2 pups) can get... tough. I think I project my feelings about it onto other people. For instance, I feel like people think that “it’s about time” for me and Lamar to “start a family.” (This is obviously the post all about quotations lol) Well, I guess that’s not really a projection as I’ve actually been told that. Hmm. Anyway, if the idea that having a child means our family has started, then by that logic NOT having one means our family hasn’t started. That is what makes being a family of 2 tough. That is what makes it hard to see that Lamar and Caleisha are a family.

So I’m going to work on that. I’m going to work on seeing the beauty of my family of 2 (+ 2 pups). I’m going to take the photos and relish the simple fact that I am blessed with Lamar who will come up with photo themes and go along with my silly ideas. I’m blessed with a husband who understands my desire for a child and makes his desires for that child known as well. I’m blessed with a husband who will give me a huge hug and assure me that we ARE a family already.