This Particular Anxiety

So according to my period tracker app (WomanLog), my period should come on the day after tomorrow.  It’s around this time that I am aware of its pending arrival but also still hopeful that THIS will be the month that it doesn’t come.

And I try my hardest not to think about it.

I find myself getting very... superstitious about the days before P-day. Like by thinking of it, I summon it.

I also find myself feeling anxious. This particular anxiety is hoping that we got the timing of it all right, but also knowing that even if P-day is a couple days late, it could still be coming. It’s feeling all the aches in my body and shifts in my mood and wondering if they are pregnancy related but at the same time not wanting to think they are because if they aren’t I will have felt a spark of hope for no reason only to see it wash down the drain when i shower.

It’s the anxiety of P-day being a couple days late, going to the store, buying a pregnancy test, coming home, feeling hopeful, taking the test, getting another negative, feeling upset at the NERVE of my uterus to be late with its bleed-out, only to wake up to said bleed-out the very next morning.

It’s a lot of deep breathing and assuring myself that everything is - indeed - in God’s control and His timing is better than my timing.

It’s a whole lot of “things I tell myself” to soothe the sore spots of my heart.

It’s wanting to feel hopeful because hope feels good.

It’s wanting to feel hopeful but being scared.