It’s 5:30 am and about half and hour ago I woke out of my sleep to the smell of blood.
Instead of getting up to check the situation, I rolled over, snuggled with my dog, and did some deep breathing. But i couldn’t get back to sleep.
I started rolling thoughts around in my head: ...my body is kinda a jerk for starting this period early......it’s ok, there’s nothing wrong with my body......we should really look into IVF grants......why is this OUR experience......two people in my life have now announced their surprise unplanned pregnancies......they both already have babies under 1......why can we just get pregnant......does God really hear my prayers......in the grand scheme of things do my desires really matter to God...
On and on and on I went until I definitely wasn’t getting back to bed. So I got up.
Only there was no blood.
So here I am sitting in the bathroom reading Bible verses for comfort and thinking back over the host of thoughts that were plaguing me while I though my period had begun. I’m telling myself that my body is not broken and we really SHOULD look into those IVF grants... I’m considering who in my circle is walking this infertility walk and I only know one other couple. I’m thinking about how my mom always tells me that God is waiting to see how you will react to things. Are you going to go off the faithless deep end or are you going to say ok, You’ve got this. I think i’m somewhere in between. I’m trying to find what it means to have faith in God and manage anxiety. Sometimes I feel that my anxiety nullifies my faith. But that is unfair and is steeped in shame. So i continue trying to learn what being faithful means for me.
Anyway, Ive identified the feelings I get when i think about the pregnancies that seem to be suddenly popping up all round me. It’s jealousy and bitterness. Jealousy because (screams) They Already Have A Baby... and bitterness because (sighs) They already have a baby...
As i’ve processed back over the feelings that were rolling around my head earlier, I’m thinking about if God really hears my prayers and if my desires matter. I think I can say He does and they do.
This is why and this is what I remind myself of.
When I was in college I experienced my first true daily life altering depression. I really dont remember how long it lasted and also cant remember a lot of my regular life from those months because it was as if my mind was like ....NAH... We dont need any of this making memories stuff... we just need to make sure we get through basic survival and school. I remember how everything lost its color and beauty. I remember the darkness and that darkness still sits around the edges of my consciousness. Anyway, I had a friend who told me that whenever I feel lost or need reassurance that God sees me and He cares for me I should go outside and lift up my hand. He said I will ALWAYS feel a touch a breeze a... something... on my hand because God ALWAYS sees me. Even when i feel as small as I actually am. That has never failed.
Another time, I remember crying on the floor of my dorm room. I don’t know why I was crying but I remember the depth of the sadness in those tears. i remember feeling so alone. I remember feeling that that moment was it, there was no sadder i could be and what made it worse, there was no reason. Nothing happened to make me sad. I just was. And that is a sadness that I still dont know how to navigate. I remember laying there crying and feeling smaller and smaller like no one could possibly care about silly caleisha and her baseless sadness. And I felt arms around me. Hugging me. I fell asleep just like that.
I had a dream that i was standing on the edge of a cliff and everything in me said jump. So i did. Except I landed midair. I felt a heart line under my left hand and a ragged hole under my right. I can still see it in my mind now more than 10 years later.
This is what I do when the fear tries to get bigger than my faith.
I remind it that yes, i am small. BUT the God of Everything sees me and knows me and holds me in His hand.
So it’s 6 am now and I’ve cried all over my keyboard. There’s still no period, but it’s got a couple days. I know if it does show up, I’ll feel all of these feelings again because it hurts. It hurts to want something and pray SOOOO much for that thing only to see it literally wash down the drain every month. But I will be ok. God has brought me through some rough things and I know He will continue to carry me.🌻
Instead of getting up to check the situation, I rolled over, snuggled with my dog, and did some deep breathing. But i couldn’t get back to sleep.
I started rolling thoughts around in my head: ...my body is kinda a jerk for starting this period early......it’s ok, there’s nothing wrong with my body......we should really look into IVF grants......why is this OUR experience......two people in my life have now announced their surprise unplanned pregnancies......they both already have babies under 1......why can we just get pregnant......does God really hear my prayers......in the grand scheme of things do my desires really matter to God...
On and on and on I went until I definitely wasn’t getting back to bed. So I got up.
Only there was no blood.
So here I am sitting in the bathroom reading Bible verses for comfort and thinking back over the host of thoughts that were plaguing me while I though my period had begun. I’m telling myself that my body is not broken and we really SHOULD look into those IVF grants... I’m considering who in my circle is walking this infertility walk and I only know one other couple. I’m thinking about how my mom always tells me that God is waiting to see how you will react to things. Are you going to go off the faithless deep end or are you going to say ok, You’ve got this. I think i’m somewhere in between. I’m trying to find what it means to have faith in God and manage anxiety. Sometimes I feel that my anxiety nullifies my faith. But that is unfair and is steeped in shame. So i continue trying to learn what being faithful means for me.
Anyway, Ive identified the feelings I get when i think about the pregnancies that seem to be suddenly popping up all round me. It’s jealousy and bitterness. Jealousy because (screams) They Already Have A Baby... and bitterness because (sighs) They already have a baby...
As i’ve processed back over the feelings that were rolling around my head earlier, I’m thinking about if God really hears my prayers and if my desires matter. I think I can say He does and they do.
This is why and this is what I remind myself of.
When I was in college I experienced my first true daily life altering depression. I really dont remember how long it lasted and also cant remember a lot of my regular life from those months because it was as if my mind was like ....NAH... We dont need any of this making memories stuff... we just need to make sure we get through basic survival and school. I remember how everything lost its color and beauty. I remember the darkness and that darkness still sits around the edges of my consciousness. Anyway, I had a friend who told me that whenever I feel lost or need reassurance that God sees me and He cares for me I should go outside and lift up my hand. He said I will ALWAYS feel a touch a breeze a... something... on my hand because God ALWAYS sees me. Even when i feel as small as I actually am. That has never failed.
Another time, I remember crying on the floor of my dorm room. I don’t know why I was crying but I remember the depth of the sadness in those tears. i remember feeling so alone. I remember feeling that that moment was it, there was no sadder i could be and what made it worse, there was no reason. Nothing happened to make me sad. I just was. And that is a sadness that I still dont know how to navigate. I remember laying there crying and feeling smaller and smaller like no one could possibly care about silly caleisha and her baseless sadness. And I felt arms around me. Hugging me. I fell asleep just like that.
I had a dream that i was standing on the edge of a cliff and everything in me said jump. So i did. Except I landed midair. I felt a heart line under my left hand and a ragged hole under my right. I can still see it in my mind now more than 10 years later.
This is what I do when the fear tries to get bigger than my faith.
I remind it that yes, i am small. BUT the God of Everything sees me and knows me and holds me in His hand.
So it’s 6 am now and I’ve cried all over my keyboard. There’s still no period, but it’s got a couple days. I know if it does show up, I’ll feel all of these feelings again because it hurts. It hurts to want something and pray SOOOO much for that thing only to see it literally wash down the drain every month. But I will be ok. God has brought me through some rough things and I know He will continue to carry me.🌻
This was beautifully written. Thank you for sharing. I'm also struggling with my faith right now. More than anything I want to find a woman that God has intended for me so I can settle down. I try not to obsess over it, but....I don't know.
ReplyDeleteI'll keep you in my prayers. Please keep me in yours.