Deflated

I seem to only want to write on here out of sadness...

I had a nice long conversation with my best friend earlier and I told her how I feel like if anyone stumbles across this blog and actually reads it, they’d end up SO SAD! But what can I say, these are my actual feelings. I was going to say “unfiltered” but I pretty much always filter myself lol.

Anyway, I’m attempting that monthly processing of feelings that always comes with my period. This month, it was 6 days late. When it was a couple days late I had the fleeting thought, “maybe i’m pregnant...” *fingers crossed but still not wanting to get hopeful* Then a couple more days passed and I thought about the high level of stress I was under during the holiday season at the portrait studio that could def throw my cycle off... (stress that included working a ton of hours, wondering if I would actually be promoted this year, stepping in as manager when the actual manager went on vacation, dealing with incredibly rude people, and ending with the cherry on top of a panic attack in front of the guests)

I still quietly hoped.

A couple more days, and yesterday i decided to take a pregnancy test. It was negative.

Today my period started.

I’m repeating to myself “reassuring statements” like...

Everything in God’s Time. 

It is kinda like a tiny blanket. But my feet are still cold. Know what i mean?

Anyway, how do i feel? I feel discouraged... no deflated. I feel deflated. Like I had allowed myself to get the smallest bit hopeful only for it to blown away like a balloon with a hole in it. I even sound like a deflating balloon when i sigh. heh.

Ok Caleisha. God hears you and you aren’t shouting into the void.