Blame it on the Quarantine

I didn’t want this space to become a dumping ground for when Caleisha is disappointedly not pregnant.

But here we are.

...sigh...

Today is day 3 of my period and this cycle has been a particularly rough one. I’m blaming it on the quarantine. (COVID19 has got the world locked down right now for context.)  Anyway, the first day was pretty bad. Full of crying and a marked lack of focus/motivation, which really makes working from home a t..r..i..a..l.  I think the fact that I couldn’t go out and wander around a thrift store as a distraction from my uncooperative uterus, encouraged the increased sadness.

I just feel so hopeless some days.

Well maybe not hopeless, but definitely powerless.  And small. I really feel small. And also kinda broken.

Another thing that’s got me in my feelings during this period is the fact that social media is pretty much my connection to everyone and everything And seeing friends and strangers’ babies and children is like a punch to the gut.  I can feel the wind being pulled out of me every time someone posts about their children.

The reassurances that God has a plan aren’t really soothing the ache this month either.

I know He does tho.  It just doesn’t make the hurt any less sharp.

🌻

I’ve started collecting things with sunflowers on them. And painting sunflowers. And embroidering sunflowers. I guess these things are like physical representations of my prayers. Things I can pour my hopeful heart into and dream of a baby to wrap them around.  Sometimes my arms feel heavy when i close my eyes... but when i open them, its just me.  I’m feeling really alone in this these days.